By Anoop Bose
Bernard Shaw once said that more nonsense has been uttered on the subject of marriage than on any other topic. Yet here I am, sticking my neck out to defend this institution at a time when living together is steadily becoming a truly global phenomenon, striking at the very roots of marriage.
According to Plato there was a time when the two sexes were in one body, like the earthworm still is. Nature separated them into two discrete organisms and now each feel incomplete without the other and longs to complete its union once more. I obviously mean a permanent union, not living together like test driving a car or trying out a new pair of shoes! Now, the question that arises is whether a mere desire for union can be called love or whether it is necessary to give this desire a concrete shape and dimension by following a course of action which can lay the foundation of the very edifice of love. Taking this into view, I am of the considered opinion that marriage, not merely living together, marks the beginning of love.
When both want to satisfy animal passion without having to suffer the consequences of their act it is not love but lust. — Mahatma Gandhi
To quote the great philosopher Will Durant, “All the stimuli unite, all conditions appear together, the needs of the race speak through the hunger of the body and soul and love is born.” I am at this juncture reminded of the old English proverb, “Marry first and love shall follow.”
There is a growing tendency, today, particularly amongst members of the younger generation, to confuse mere sex hunger with love. Their feelings can certainly trick them because the dividing line between love and lust is thin. And, frankly, sex confuses everything. To be physically involved clouds the issue. It makes you feel closer than you really are. It makes you feel as if you are actually in love. With marriage, mere sexual desire becomes devotion rather than possession and it is only when one pledges one’s faith to the other that true love springs eternal. With marriage comes loyalty of mate to mate. From mere hunger of the flesh comes the fondest devotion of one soul to another. As Nietzsche said, “In true love it is the soul that embraces the body.”
There are many popular myths connected with living together. The reasoning usually follows along the lines of everybody’s doing it; economically it’s worth it; living together increases your chances of a happy marriage; it’s alright because we’re really in love; we’re going to get married anyway; the marriage license is only a piece of paper — it doesn’t automatically make two people committed to one another. Without any further ado, I intend to debunk all of these myths without mincing words.
“Everyone is doing it.” Nothing could be farther from the truth, especially in India! Those who live together before marriage often lack a common purpose. They date, have sex, spend a weekend together, and eventually begin to bring over clothes and toothbrushes for their mutual convenience. Next thing you know, they’re living together on a “quid pro quo” basis. Those who live together before marriage are the least likely to marry each other. One of the reasons may be that those who live together drift from one partner to another in search of the one ‘right’ person. Those who live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates and those who have had premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs. Premarital sexual attitudes and behaviour do not change after one marries.
Love and romance in today’s disposable society is hastily devised and easily thrown overboard at the first sign of conflict, disorder or disillusionment. Those who enter into “trial” marriages do not have better or happier marriages. Those who live together have superficial and significantly frailer relationships, for they have no lasting commitments or responsibilities. It is the very thing that one wants to test that is destroyed by the testing.
Marriage, on the other hand, is much more than a mere love partnership. People who marry have quite a different level of commitment, therefore quite a different level of security, freedom, and happiness. The marriage license cannot, by any stretch of imagination, be regarded as a mere piece of paper.
Mature love is founded upon the security of knowing that your love is exclusive. It is something sacred and sacrosanct. There is no one else. The trust factor is an important ingredient in a healthy marriage. The knowledge that each partner can relax and be themselves at the most intimate level, without the fear of doing something that will drive the other away, is missing from cohabitation.
Apart from all this, children need the love and care of real parents, not “love doth last” couples who are always anticipating the moment when they wake up one fine morning and discover that the good physical feeling that bound them together has proved less than everlasting.
Numerous research studies have demonstrated, amongst others, the following negative effects of cohabitation
- Couples who live together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction levels than those who do not. They also show significantly higher levels of alcohol problems than married people do.
- Aggression is much more common among those who live together than among married couples.
- Couples who have lived together before marriage are more likely to disagree on things like recreation, household chores, and finances and are more likely to seek counseling than couples who do not live together.
- Pre-marital living together is associated with greater marital instability and poorer communication in marriage; in other words weaker marriages, not stronger ones.
- Depression rates among couples who live together are much higher than the depression rates among married couples.
- Those who live together suffer from increased tendencies of violence and bitterness and lower levels of fairness in, and happiness with, their relationships compared to married people.
I do hope that I have been convincing enough to clip the wings of the ever increasing number of couples who live together in the hope of finding true love and those who profess to be their die-hard protagonists.